Well that was a fail

I am really bad at this whole blogging thing! But its weird because I have a lot of stuff in my head and things I want to write about, it just doesn't make it from my mind to my finger tips. Nonetheless....

I feel like my life is in a weird phase right now... I typically love school, learning, knowledge, and my school/research environment, but lately I have felt nothing more towards all of that except that I am OVER IT! I am so ready to move on and not be an undergrad anymore. I feel like everyone around me has taken "big kid steps" and I am standing still, like my feet are stuck in quick sand. I knew this fifth year was going to be rough and things were really going to be different than previous years, but well, I guess i didn't expect it to be like this.

I feel like i have lots most of my friends- my friends that are in grad school are in their own "fourth floor/clinic" bubble, which is fine, I knew this would happen but the worst part is, they don't seem to feel the difference. Which is good for them and in some ways expected, but I feel like because they don't feel the different they do not understand that I feel left out or the oddball who can't relate, but they expect me to be there and be involved- in the things they decide to invite me in- like we all use to. I don't know, its complicated and hard and well, different. Sometimes it really bothers me and other times I guess I just don't care. Either way, its sad. I miss my other girls that moved away too. but most of all I miss my best friend JS.

I know I sound like a whiny baby, and maybe I am too sensitive about it all, but hey thats how I am feeling right now.


Beyond that, I am just so over school. I  don't even want to be on campus and try to spend as much time not on campus or in the SLHS building as possible. I don't want to study or anything school related. The only thing I kinda want to do is my lit review, yetI just can't bring myself to actually doing it. This is a huge, Huge, HUGE problem.

Honestly, the only things I want to do is workout! working out just seriously makes me so happy! Whether I am at the gym- which is my fave- or at home, or out for a run, or at spinning or anything physical I am happy! I guess this isn't such a bad thing :) I am just hoping all of this pays off and I see results- beyond just being happy!


Grateful: I am grateful the ability to move and be physical, to have strength, endurance, and tenacity.

Roman - 2;2

Humoring Dada, but really I just want my coffee!

JUST SPEAK!

Ahhh, I will get better at doing this more regularly! I will! I will! I will!

In the past few days I have had a revelation about saying what is on your mind. I think a lot of times people, myself included sometimes, are afraid to say what is on their mind, what they want, what they feel, what is on their mind. Sometimes its is as simple as not wanting to Rock the Boat or maybe insecurity.  But what ends up happening is these thoughts and feelings t stew and boil in your mind. You constantly go back to thinking about them and what may be small issues, if discussed right away, become big issues.

When you finally decide to talk about whats going on, it is an epic, emotional ordeal that is not fun to deal with. Not to mention you probably sound like a crazy woman because you have kept these feelings in for so long and totally blind-side you partner.  When you come back down to your senses and really think about it- how can you be so upset, frustrated, angry, etc. with someone who has no clue about what is going on or what you are feeling. In this respect you are just as guilty as they are of any wrong doing!

I know I am guilty of this. And it is a problem.  If you really think about it, nothing and I mean nothing, is that big of deal. If it were that big of deal you would have said something a long time ago!

The moral of the story is SAY what you want, SAY what you feel, SAY what you need, SAY WHAT IS ON YOUR MIND!  and do it in a timely, calm, rational manner! Not when you're overwhelmed with feelings! Do not let it stew and get worse {in your mind} deal with it then or forever hold your peace!

Alice in Wonderland.... Puzzle?

I feel there is something very symbolic in the many of the things we "randomly"  decide to do.... My latest sporadic adventure was to do a 1000piece Alice in Wonderland puzzle.

I didn't seem like something that should be that big of deal, but somehow this puzzle ended up being ridiculously difficult. I  {and mom} were completely obsessed... we did multiple marathons of 6+ hours and staying up until one, two, or three a.m. Only to have sweet little Roman come and distroy about 1/3 of the 3/4 done puzzle. After another 10 hours of recreating it... we finally finished! Woot Woot!

Now, I am sure this does not seem like a big deal, and in reality it really is not, but to me the puzzle symbolized a lot to me. I have come to realize I have a tenacity and drive to complete a task, regardless of how tedious and long it takes. I just get so sucked up into a project I am working  on and just work at is fanatically and sometimes almost obsessively until it is complete... Instances like these are what make me think I really do want...or maybe even need to get my PhD. But who knows.

What Ido know is that this desire to do a puzzle was sparked by an analogy my mentor/advisor told me comparing a puzzle to the process of actually writing my literature review. Now that the puzzle is complete [and soon to be glued and framed] it is time to start working on the literature review.... easier said than done. But I feel now with my puzzle as inspiration and my fanatical mentality ... I CAN DO IT!





Gratitude: I am grateful for my  ambitious character and perseverance. More importantly I am grateful for my parents and various experiences for helping me to develop these traits!

The Start of Something New

Every year I say I am going to start a journal or a blog and write in it regularly.  Lets be real, it has never lasted more than a few weeks...max!


After contemplating this for quite sometime I have decided that starting a blog would be a fun way to keep track of my life- my goals, thoughts, & feelings- and most importantly to write down what I am grateful for. I am not one to really believe in New Years resolutions because I feel that you can decide that any day is a new start, but I think this year will be a year of my life that is completely new and different.  There is a lot of changes that will be taking place and new experiences that will, without a doubt, bring new feelings, difficult times, and a plethora of serendipity!


If nothing else, this is time for me to express my inner most feelings and thoughts, or simply to discuss everything and nothing with everyone or no one!









Gratitude: I am beyond grateful for my amazing family! We are so close, but not in the creepy, enmeshment type of way, but in the we thoroughly enjoy spending time with each other, having fun, and creating new memories! My family is the best, a little crazy and out there, but none the less amazing!